An Old Post: My Coming Out Experiences, Part One

I expect a few comments about my coming out story and how some stuff may be a little odd, but this was written over a year and a half ago, and I figured I could just repost some of that old stuff on my tumblr. Cue old post:

"So around eighth grade, I kinda put 2 and 2 together and realized I liked boys. I mean, there were hints to myself, and I always caught myself staring at boys more than girls. I was never into girls like other boys were. Since I was eight, I wanted to be with guys. And I was always a large advocate for gay rights. I just never really understood the why.

(Note: I’m not saying everyone who supports gay rights is gay.)

So, I was really depressed. I really didn’t want to like guys. I HATED the thought. But I couldn’t control who I am, so I just slowly accepted it. Kinda.

Not really. I tried to play myself off as bi.

So, I came out to my friend on May 4th in 2009. He was the first person I came out to, and it was an... odd experience. We were talking about something random, and I started texting him something completely different. Oh the modern age. Anyways, that was how I came out to him: over text while we were talking about something else. Multi-tasking at its finest.

It felt amazing to just get it out. So, I came out to my friend Sara next, followed by the first friend telling another guy (that was one I’d later regret) and then my best friend from Kindergarten, Kieran. All great experiences. Even telling my dad by letter after leaving for Chicago in June/July went better than I thought.

Until I told an old friend. It was an issue we kinda avoided talking about until I was in Chicago that year. I don’t think either of us wanted to, but it kinda exploded because we kept avoiding it. About four months later, we started talking again, and we apologized. Since then, our relationship has been much stronger.

So, when school started in the fall, I joined our school’s GSA, and officially-but-not-really came out as “gay.” Well, it was my first more public coming out. I came home that day and found my grandmother and her husband were staying there. I was confused, but when she asked me where I’d been, I wasn’t going to lie, so I just said I was at GSA. When we talked about it later, our conversation was basically:

“So, your mom said you’re gay. I kinda figured when you said you joined that club. You don’t join a lot of clubs.” Thanks Grandma.

The following week, I’d kinda laid eyes on my ex and decided right then and there that I was going to date men once I got the chance. So, that night my mom and step-dad were giving me another grade lecture. I hated the lectures, but I was ignoring them. I figured that would be as good of time as any, so I just asked them if they’d love me no matter what, I told them… and then burst out sobbing.

Yeah. Not my finest moment. Once they calmed me down, the first thing my mom said was “Well, at least you can’t get anyone pregnant.”

“Mom!”

“Well…” And then she asked if my brother knew. I said that he had for several months, and she just kinda paused for a bit. “I think that’s the first secret Ben’s ever kept.” I kinda burst out laughing at that point.

I think I publicly came out in March, or around that point, when I came out on Facebook, then started saying “my boyfriend” around teachers. It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it’d be. I felt awkward coming out to the choir teacher though, ‘cause I was cuddling with my ex in the auditorium while we were listening to “Butterfly” by Rajaton performed by NAU’s Vocal Jazz Group. He was sitting right behind us. I didn’t know what to say when I turned around.

Me: “Uh… Hey!”

Teacher: “Hey."

Me: -awkwardly slowly turning around-

So, now I’m out. Mostly. Some family doesn’t know, and I don’t think they ever will, but once they die, I’ll be totally out! (It’s mostly the older generation.) My mom and dad kinda did the rest of the work for me with the family by outing me. I should be mad, but they actually did me a big favor: they saved me a lot of awkward conversations.

Anyways. I feel better now. Although, this all kinda makes me realize how awkward I am."